A steep void
by figgle
Summary: (An AU for the real world) You know that suffocating feeling you get when you're upset, the one where your throat begins to close in and you can't breathe? That's what it was like when I lost my best friend.


**(All the flashbacks or memories and things like that will be written in italic just to keep things organized! enjoy)**

You know that suffocating feeling you get when you're upset, the one where your throat begins to close in and you can't breathe? That's what it was like when I lost my best friend. I remember people always said things like "If we had only been there.." Or "If we would have known..", as if they actually felt any remorse or regret, the truth in the situation was that my friend had become consumed with anger, it was nearly ninety percent of him, and his family was not too fond on what he had become because of it.. Despite those factors I, for some reason could not blame them for his death, I could only blame myself, I knew Koujaku my whole life and I would be lying if I said that I didn't see it coming, I may not have known when, but I had known how he felt and how close he was to the edge and after all he had done for me, I couldn't in the least bit save his life.

 _The day he died I woke up with a hollow feeling. Almost like i knew something was wrong, from the very moment I set eyes on the morning sun, the very moment I sat down for breakfast, I had this hole, this void.. that no breakfast could fill, even if it was granny's cooking. I knew from the moment the first rain cloud appeared something was terribly wrong, I just didn't know what. Although I tried to shake the feeling many times part of me knew. I hadn't heard from Koujaku in quite a while. After he moved we kind of drifted apart even if I didn't want to admit it, there was quite the distance between us and not just physically. Aside from the unsettling feeling that occupied my being it was an average day, I still had school and chores, the only thing that was different was the phone call. When I returned home from school that day Granny was still out and right as I entered our home the phone rang. I usually don't answer it, because It's usually not for me but instead one of my Granny's clients, but i recognized the number. It was Koujaku's mothers. I answered almost immediately._

 _"Hello, this is Aoba! Is this Koujaku?" There was a long pause on the phone as if the person on the other end was contemplating their next words, and then a sniffle._

 _"Aoba…, This is Koujaku's mother…," Her voice sounded shaky._

 _"Oh! Hello! Sorry, but.. are you crying?"_

 _"..Aoba, It's about Koujaku," I remember at the time thinking that she had sidestepped my question, but with her next response I realized she didn't "He.. killed.. himself..,"_

 _I just couldn't take it, I couldn't handle the information. I was immediately filled with guilt because out of everyone I was actually the only one who had ever known what he was going through. Not even, his family knew how much he wished for his own death, and all of this information, is what made me hang up the phone. I had always been somewhat awful when it came to situations like this. However, his mother must have understood because she gave me an invitation to the funeral, even though I didn't attend, I couldn't, I was weak and in denial. Even though I ditched out on the possible emotional trauma the funeral could have caused, I later found out how he died. He had stabbed himself with his own sword._

That was six months ago and I still could not get it out of my head. I had been putting it off for quite some time, and I guess my mind needed to figure them out finally. At night while my grandmother slept I always found my mind drifting off while I listened to music, It was the best time for it, I didn't have to worry about anyone walking in while I was off guard and even though I didn't always approve of where my mind would go, I knew these things, like previously mentioned, I had been putting off for a long time, even though he died six months ago I still thought about him on a regular basis.. How could I not? He was my best friend and he was gone. I shifted onto my other side so I was facing the wall. My headphones slipped off my ears which caused me to notice a strange ticking in my room.

"..Huh?"

I sat up slowly moving my feet off the bed. I slipped down and walked over to the Verandah. Before I slipped the door open I looked back at my bed and noticed my dog, Ren was still fast asleep. After I opened the door the ticking noise revealed itself. A small rolled up note attached to a balloon kept rocking back and forth causing the thick paper to hit the door countless times. My fingers reached up and snatched the paper. I knew It probably wasn't for me, but I was curious. I fumbled a little to pull the string off and unfold the paper, after a few minutes of struggling i finally managed to open up the paper, the balloon drifted off towards the sky. "Aoba, If you're reading this, everyone around you is lying they have been for a while now, you need to break through, can you do that for me?" At the bottom, it was signed with an H.

"What...?" I stared at the paper wide eyed and as I stepped back my hip hit the railing of the veranda, throwing my off guard, my belt made a clank noise against the metal before I fell flat onto my butt.

"AOBA!" My granny came storming out onto the verandah. "Go to bed you're being loud!" She was complaining how I was being loud even though she was the one yelling. She must have noticed the look on my face because her facial expression softened. "What's wrong? You look sick."

"Sorry, I'm fine…" I bowed my head a little, I wasn't always this respectful, but I mostly wanted to get this conversation over with so I could peer at the note again. "Sorry for waking you granny..," Regaining my balance after the collision with the Verandah railing, I shoved the paper in my pocket and slipped passed her to get into my room. She followed a few steps behind me. "It's nearly midnight, go to sleep," She warned before walking out to go to her own bedroom. I curled up on my bed next to Ren, doubting I would be able to get any shut eye at all due to my recent discovery, but soon enough I was out.


End file.
